Dear Mom.

So my friend gets this job that I was supposed to get a vanity right. Ok. well, she didn't get it yet. but she has an interview on monday. and she will get it. i just know she is. okay don't question it. She's two years younger than me.
Do YOU have any idea how low, and stupid, and lazy and... just all the horrible things it makes me feel. I just want to die right now. Before,..wow before I met her, and even the year I met her. Yeah, you know I wanted a job, of course. But all I was thinking about was.. oh If I had a boyfriend life would be so freaking perfect. All she kept thinking about was...Oh I need to finish school, I need to find a job, I need to save money, I need to get my license, who cares about boys!
see the difference?
Well I have a boyfriend now. and I'm not saying its not great. It is. But let's see, first of all he lives 234235345346456657987520984 miles away. Even if he lived right across the street from me, I still wouldn't have money. I do want to go to college, I do wan to move out of my parents place and find an apartment, I really want to go visit back in europe. I want to go this winter to germany. I can't beg people for money, I can't beg my parens to pay for me because...wow where are they going to get that kind of money. I want to go back home in April. I miss my boyfriend, I want to see him, and I want to be next to him, I miss my grandma, I miss the way she coughs and talks and her laugh and the way she looks at life, I miss the kids over there, I want to go and see them again.
Can I ask my parents to buy me a ticket? of course not. I'm 17 freaking years old. I'm going to finish school in less than half a year,...I'm not going to stay with them forever, I need to find my own place, I have NO money saved up. My little 3 year old cousin has over $3,000 dollars saved up in the bank. How much I could have had by now if I hadn't quit that stupid job in that stupid restaurant.
And now, I just want someone to make me feel better, at least about myself a little. I mean can you tell how fucking sad this is? But my mom? She doesn't know how to do it. She doesn't know how to scream at someone and get to the point. My aunt does. My boyfriend does.
You know what they would do? They would ask why the heck I'm sitting here crying about this and they would force me to get up and go look for a job if I wanted one so bad. I can't drive? No problem. They would drop what they're doing and force me to go with them. They don't sit around and talk "oh honey, you're not stupid, so what if she got a job, you're still in school." No they would say "WHAT? SHE GOT A JOB? YOU'RE TWO YEARS OLDER THAN HER AND YOU DONT HAVE A JOB. AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO FINISH HIGH SCHOOL. DO YOU KNOW HOW EMBARASSING THAT IS? GET UP, GO GET A JOB, AND WORK AT IT. YOU HAVE TO SAVE UP MONEY FOR A HOUSE, A CAR, YOUR KIDS, ETCC.." They're those kind of people. The kind of people that I NEED. Are those people here right now? No, one of them is at home, 10 minutes away. The other is fast asleep at home...an entire ocean away :/ No. All I have is my mother, who doesn't know what to say to her own daughter to, get her to not be like this. Because my mother has to check her crops on farmville, and watch wheel of fortune and get a nap in beore she can help out her daughter to go driving, too get a job. No. She doesn't know. So what do I do. I sit here. on facebook, online, staring at the computer screen, feeling sorry for my pathetic life. great right? yupp. I love it. Where are the people I need :////